Journal:

Weather type: Sunny afternoon

Feeling: Amused?

     Clearly not the first thought I have ever had in my life, but that that would've been very funny. Ironic how I said I wouldn't use this collapsible stuff but dedicating a whole page to a one pragraph post seemed even more impractical to me, and if there's one thing I don't like it's a lack of practicality. Perhaps if a post gets long enough to warrant its own page I'll link to it here, but until then I shall take my time figuring out how to style this part to my liking. I quite enjoy doing that stuff, it feels fun and just the right amount of challenge for me.

Weather type: Sunny evening

Feeling: *eyeroll*

     Sometimes I just randomly remember how dumb cloud storage is, or rather, I am reminded of its existence every day because it is freaking everywhere. I just don't think it's very sensible to let some guy store your data (and you have to pay him if you want anything more than the meager amount he offers for free) on his hard drive when you could just, store said data on your own hard drive. I get the convenience of it all, but we have much much better ways that not only do the job, but you don't have to live in fear of it being leaked, hacked, or worse, used nefariously by the very guy you trusted your stuff with, who swore he would do no such thing.

     I definitely do not want to be the kinda guy who complains about things but never offers anything helpful in return so I shall say: please invest in a good external hard drive. SSD might be faster, but it's probably HDD you want if you're looking for reliable long term storage. I personally have nothing big enough to store in an external hard drive because it is mostly work and school documents plus some camera photos and saves for games I've been playing for a long time, so I keep a couple spare SD cards and a USB which is a system that works well for me personally. My message is: physical media and being able to access your stuff without the need for an account or internet connection RULE and cloud storage SUCKS.

Weather type: Hot afternoon

Feeling: Beat up

     I really, really wanna eat chocolate cake right now, and not just any chocolate cake, it has to be the coffee and caramel flavour one I make. But here's the bummer, today I feel too ill to leave my bed much less make a whole cake. Granted, it's pretty easy to make, at least when you're in a healthy state of body, and so so moist and fluffy and delicious. Seriously, it feels like a cloud in your mouth, and the thick beautiful layer of homemade chocolate sauce on top? It takes it to a whole new level. Actually, I should post the recipe on here one day...

Weather type: Cool morning

Feeling: Grateful

     Eid Mubarak to everyone who celebrates! May everyone experience lots of joy and blessings on this beautiful day. Today went by pretty well and for that I'm very grateful. It's starting to get really hot which means only one thing: beach season! Despite my enormous love for the sea, I'm actually a pretty lousy swimmer. Who would've thought. But I have gained a bit of confidence in my skills since last summer and I can't wait to enjoy it this year ^-^

Weather type: Flaming hot afternoon

Feeling: Weird

     It's safe to say I did NOT wanna go to my internship today but did anyways because I already missed my last internship day and I didn't wanna be disrespectful IDK, it's still unpaid and if there's anything I live by it's "Don't do more than what you're paid to do." Normally I would go in the morning shift but I started doing afternoon shifts because the days are much longer now and it helps pass the time. Oh wait, I was supposed to talk about kindness wasn't I... Well, I'm normally pretty shy and "well-mannered" with most people and I don't mind that because thanks to it I get to have a pretty peaceful and straightforward life, and most people I meet I get along with pretty well. And in many ways, it allows for a lot of kindness from other people in my life and IDK I suddenly feel pretty grateful for it. Like today, I tagged along with my coworker's shopping trip because I thought it'd make her feel less lonely and she decided to buy me sweets as a thanks, it made me feel pretty fuzzy on the inside, like we're in no way "obligated" to be kind to one another but we do so anyways because it makes others feel good, it makes us feel good. It's stuff like this that keeps me from turning sour and edgy.

Weather type: Sweltering night

Feeling: Okay

     Today was truly weird! When I woke up today, I did not think I would get work pranked even though I was literally at home, it was kinda funny to be honest, but above all I think it's great that I finished my internship and now my real summer can finally begin. I was yet again reminded of my lack of experience(?) when it comes to handling people, I still feel like there's something that I'm either missing or people are not telling me when it comes to adulting but I'm convinced (or at least I hope) I'll come to learn what it is as I grow older. It just sucks feeling like an eternal child you know?

     I've spent the last few days immersed in the Metin2 private servers world, and this is no new knowledge by any measure, but eastern European servers rock. Although admittedly I'm over the whole grindy put countless hours into your account type of game, I did want to relive the nostalgia for a couple days, now I'm good.

     Also I genuinely think it's finally time to stop obsessing so much over this website's look and actually start using for its intended purpose: AKA archive my life, thoughts, and the things I like. Because let's freaking face it, this website was built almost entirely by these hands, I used no fancy SSG's or whatever, just a basic layout that I took the time to look at closely then carefully pick it apart to achieve the results I wanted. The rest was countless hours spent looking up how to do stuff and inspecting the code of websites I liked, all in a meager one month starting as a total beginner. And you know what, I'm pretty darn proud of my website AND myself for it, and starting from now, any time I spend tinkering around with my website will be to fill out the pages I created. Period. Bear exits left, chased by a bear.

Weather type: Sweltering noon

Feeling: Surprisingly okay

     I think summer was a much more fun time for me as a kid, because I could just go outside and explore the neighbourhood and play in grass and all that. But in the recent years, summer has been such a weird time for me, I mostly simmer in this heat, and even when I do go out, the sun alone delivers damage at such a rate that I feel like ass after getting home. One thing I still really look forward to is the beach, we have some of the most beautiful beaches in the whole nation, something I'm very proud of, and it helps that I live like 40 minutes away from the one I frequent every year.

     The days feel much longer than usual, both because I have nothing that keeps me busy to the point of exhaustion like I normally would the rest of the year, and spending too much time inside the house makes me kinda stir crazy I will not sugarcoat my words. However, this year feels just a tiny bit different, I've been trying to do things just a little bit differently, it's mostly intuitive with like basic guidelines to have what I would consider a good day (such as stretching a lot, drinking a ton of water, reading at least a few pages, spending time around others etc.), but it's definitely much better than just wallowing(?) around all day long. I guess summer now feels like I've been thrown into a lake made out of weird jello and I'm a lousy swimmer, but now I managed to acquire a couple tools that help make it feel less weird and volatile. Even if they're still a little bit wonky to me, I still hope to get good at using them.

Weather type: Cool evening

Feeling: Satisfied

     Wasn't even gonna write down an entry but I wanted to triumph over the hot weather type by finally recording a cool day in JULY LMAOOO.

     Anyways, I've been trying to change the way I do things in my life, let go of the things that don't work for me, do things that I would normally avoid, speak up my mind and express my thoughts and feelings more often instead of bottling them up, which has been the default for me for as long as I can remember, but no more of that. I think it takes a lot of courage to do all that, to let go of what's familiar in order to get somewhere better, and I don't think I will ever stop doing that to be honest, not after I experienced how incredibly rewarding it can be. Much like struggling for ages with a huge and scary dungeon, then you finally beat it and you get a chest that rewards you with all kinds of exquisite items inside. Or at least, you get a ton of experience and the dungeon becomes so easy to navigate it no longer scares you. Thinking about that alone gives me a ton of courage to keep going at it. I believe in my power to change for the better. Always.

Weather type: Rainy evening

Feeling: Like myself

     Sweet mama, it's raining like a cold October day in July. I actually don't think something like this has ever happened where I come from so, global warming much? Nonetheless, this is perfect for driving away all that summer sluggishness and finally breathing in a different kind of air (literally).

     Something I never expected to happen was for me to film a little movie with my cousins, it all started because one of them wanted to me show me how cool the film feature of their phone camera was and we quickly put on a story and characters and started filming with whatever was laying around, the process was so much fun and the production made everyone we showed it to laugh harder than they had in a long while. It also reminded me of something I didn't even know I forgot. That creativity is not limited to a select few who have access to prestigious tools, it's for every single living breathing human on earth. And another basic fact I seemingly forgot as I grew older was the importance of connections in one's life. No matter how capitalism or any other force tries to make individualism seem cool and awesome, it actually sucks to be all alone with no support or allies to do things with, like majorly so. I have become engrossed over the years in the fantasy of being totally independent and aloof, because it meant I didn't have to deal with other people's shit and didn't need to compromise or be hurt in the process but oh god, that led to me becoming an incredibly, incredibly lonely creature, and instead of becoming this ideal super version of myself I just became isolated and afraid.

     I had realized recently that my avoidance of peoplpe most likely stemmed from the fact that I had a hard time speaking my true mind to others, which came from earlier childhood traumas, so I just ended up bottling my feelings all the time and it made me resent others a lot, but honestly? It wasn't them I resented, it was my own inability to speak up about what bothered me and just taking in things however shitty they might've been. I knew deep in my heart that I couldn't live like that anymore, I had to let my real thoughts and feelings come out to the surface, otherwise I would implode. I still have many regrets over the times I didn't speak up or stand up for myself, but I feel like I've been doing a lot better since I made up my mind. Emotion is energy in motion and I will not keep mine imprisoned inside me. I still feel all kinds of clumsy to be honest but hey, awkwardness and clmusiness is a pretty petty price to pay if it means I finally get to be myself.

     I'm actually pretty damn genuine when I say I'm always quite proud of myself for constantly overcoming hurdles like this, and most importantly very thankful to Allah for constantly guiding me towards a better me every day, may I never stop thinking, changing, and loving myself ever.

Weather type: Warm Afternoon

Feeling: Relieved

     The weather has been surprisingly cool this month, like weirdly so. I'm so used to July being this flmaing hot harbinger of doom or whatever, but this past week alone the temperature barely surpassed 29 at most, so definitely global warming. Kinda wasn't gonna write anything but I wanted to break the three posts per month pattern lmaoooo

     Things have been kinda weird lately, then again, when have things not felt weird for me? Anyways, I got to learn some new facts about myself, and have been a so-called active contributor to my physical and mental health and it feels nice I guess despite how strong the Horros sometimes get. Also there's an entry up somewhere here claiming I only played Metin2 for a couple days to relive some of the nostalgia, whoo boy you were wrong. Granted, it wasn't the official server I played on, but rather exploring a bunch of private servers and I'm proud to announce my research has led me to the best server out there, in my humble opinion of course. It's called Alturi 2, and aside from of a bunch of cool new mechanics, it also gives you the necessary challenge that most private servers lack, AKA you don't get most of the necessary gear and items readily available from the shop for cheap, you have to go out there and find it yourself, and what's better there's a fuckton of Metin Stones scattered all across so you can get all kinds of goods, and the Market system? Absolutely fantastic, you can buy and sell things remotely even if you're offline, and doesn't let the challenge of getting certain items become too much. I give it a 9.5/10 and would totally vote for it on ranking sites in a heartbeat.

     Another thing I've been really into lately that I don't even remember how I found is Joushikousei no Mudazukai (Wasteful Days of Highschool Girls) and it's like, one of the funniest anime I have ever watched, and it also has a live action drama and a manga! It's so refreshing how it lets weird girls just be weird and there's a ton of variety in the weirdness, seriously it's so good it made me consider making a new page where I write about the stuff I've been into lately, hey, maybe I should... Anyways, peace out, I pray the upcoming months are kinder to us in every way. This has been Bear.

Weather type: Warm afternoon

Feeling: Annoyed-ish

     Once again, the weather has been suspiciously cool, and if I had brought up this fact to anyone I know as much as I had here they would've told me to shut the hell up because I will jinx it but there's one thing you must know: summers are so ass here, they're hot and humid and the temperature is ridiculous at night so you can't even sleep well without the stupid aircon on at all times, so it IS a big deal, to ME at least, but I digress.

     American "healthy" meals are so ass to be honest, I can't totally pinpoint why but my theory is that they've been so lost in the fast food mega-chain sauce that they don't know how to make food that's good for you and tastes real good without it being like "quinoa shea avocado grilled chicken fruit and seed yogurt bowl meal prep calorie count keto etc." it's so freaking boring and artificial and definitely not how we were meant to eat food. Becuase where I come from random everyday meals are like so freaking tasty and easy and so good for you without it being pretentious or a symbol of status or whatever. America is like the fakest nation in the world, I wish they never stole the country from the natives because it could've been so much more what with its incredible geographical and climate diversity, I especially love the northern parts with the forests and mountains and lakes and snow ughhh... Europeans took a perfectly good land and ruined it, look it's got anxiety now.

     What I hate even more is how American trends seem to travel in waves across the world, I can't say for sure when it comes to other countries, but here, I noticed they do eventually arrive, usually a while after America itself had grown bored with them. Like a few months ago I went into a grocery store and I noticed they suddenly had all kinds of new health products like expensive protein enhanced yogurts and expensive whole wheat toast and like? We are not this kind of nation, we have never been the kind to let a company manufacture and sell us health food because we've always eaten it fresh from its source, which in itself is a huge blessing. For the price of a pack of whole wheat toast I could buy 7.5 long baguettes of whole wheat bread, enough to produce exactly 7.5 packs of toast and do you see where I'm going with this? Dig deep and it's always capitalism underneath the mask like some kinda shitty Scooby-Doo villain. We're a country that's been blessed with a huge land area and relatively low population count compared to let's say Japan for instance, we grow more than enough fruits and vegetables and beans and greens and animal produce to feed the whole country twice over alhamdulillah, so I am eyeing this new shift with doubt as it should be.

Weather type: Breezy afternoon

Feeling: Yahoo!

Lately I've Been Interested In: Maze: Solve the World's Most Challenging Puzzle

     Nothing much to update to be honest, I wanted to write an entry on piracy but I realized I have too many thoughts on the topic but basically, it's funny how the biggest supporters of anti-piracy measures, which often come at the expenses of people who bought the actual thing, are almost always big money hungry companies and their loyal bootlickers. It is incredibly hard for me to be against piracy because shit, we never had access to most media because it was either not distributed here, way too expensive, or there was never language support for text heavy media like books and games. What's even funnier is how some people paint it as this incredible moral dilemma equivalent to stealing money from a homeless person or something and my guy, lemme be real with you most people who pirate something were never gonna pay for the original anyways. Wow, I guess this did become a sort of pro-piracy entry huh.

     Anyways, I genuinely forgot what I was going to write about AH WAIT I just remembered!! It's funny when I first started working on this website the visitors counter would go up by a lot like I don't check it for a couple of days and I see it it would go up by 500 or something which was cool, but nowadays where I don't mess around with the website as often as I used to, my visitors counter has been stagnant and I'm like you sly web crawling dogs, checking the most recently updated websites on neocities then proceeding to train some dumb ai model on them which is most likely how I used to get many so visitors. I've been meaning to add a LIBII (Lately I've Been Interested In) section but I didn't quite know where and how to implement it, but as soon as I closed the editing page a brilliant idea hit me: I already have a perfectly good place to put it in, right here! So yeah, I can now record my interests and come back here to get a glimpse of what I used to be into whether it was a fleeting curiosity or a long term infatuation. I enourage anyone reading my journal to just grab the whole template or any part of it they want, it would make me feel honoured! ^-^